Sunday, May 19, 2013

How to prepare a mat for yoga

In my former working life, I did a fair amount of online marketing. I'm intrigued by search activity and the browsing habits of the general public. It's highly entertaining, and I'd love to illustrate why...

As of late, multiple someones out there have typed the following phrases into Google and found my little blog as a result:
  • How to prepare a mat for Bikram yoga
  • Porn gallon water
  • Water porn
  • Bikram sea green color
  • How to market your yoga blog
How to prepare a mat for Bikram yoga
I have no clue how to prepare a mat for Bikram yoga. You certainly don't need to rub it down with sex wax, hemp oil or chia seeds. But if you found my blog as a result of this search I think it's my duty to try to enlighten you. If you're going to practice Bikram yoga, you need to buy your own mat. You can rent one at the studio, but this isn't your grandma's YMCA yoga class. This is sweaty hot yoga, my friend. And that means a rental mat probably has residue from the last guy who thought buying a Groupon for Bikram yoga would be a fun venture as part of a New Year's resolution to get in touch with his softer side. Buy a mat. You can "prepare" it by also bringing along a cool grippy yoga towel (if you feel the first time class is worth that extra investment for the fancy towel). Or just bring a bath towel just to try this whole thing out. I recommend the latter. I own several fancy towels, but I don't want you to come back and blame me for that $25-50 wasted on a towel if you're going to give up yoga next month. Here's my post on how to prepare for your first class. Here's my best shot at some practical advice...

How to prepare your mat
  1. Buy a mat
  2. Wash your favorite bath towel in unscented detergent and skip the fabric softener. Fabric softener = Ice Capades on the mat during standing postures.
  3. Take mat and crunchy towel to the Bikram studio and set up in the back of the room. Follow the lead of those setting up in front of you for direction/placement. 
  4. Take your sweaty towel and mat home, hose the mat down, and hang to dry. They sell mat cleaners if you're feeling extra germy. In a pinch, I've been known to dip my mat in the pool. 
Porn gallon water
So you searched for "porn gallon water" and you got to my blog. I'm very sorry. I'm trying to process what you might be thinking... and I'm not getting very far here. My mind is a blank with anything appropriate for the moral majority. I hope you find my post on water porn interesting. Water is quite enticing when you're dehydrated.

Water porn
I know what you mean! You don't know what I mean. But I know what you mean! I own this phrase. You: want to find out about having sex underwater. I assure you that having a mat neighbor in yoga class with a sweaty bottle of Fiji water within arms reach while you are dying of thirst is FAR more inviting than a video of some creeper having sex in a hot tub with a $99/month crooked breast implant girl. Wanting to lick the condensation from a perfect stranger's water bottle? Now that's desire!

Bikram sea green color
You: heard that Bikram is opposed to the color green. You are going to teacher training and you want to know if he is opposed to all greens or just kelly green. Does he balk at seafoam green? Does he detest a deep evergreen color? Is chartreuse a big no-no as well? Can you wear turquoise in his presence? What color does he really dislike? The answer to this is... just don't wear green. There's so many other lovely colors of the rainbow. I don't like green either. Incidentally, Pantone has named Pantone 17-5641 (Emerald
Green) as the 2013 color of the year.

How to market your yoga blog
Oh my! You searched "how to market your yoga blog" and you got to me? I'm floored. I love it. I would love to help you market your yoga blog! Prior to mommying and painting on the side, I had a full-time gig in marketing. I'm going to tackle this search term another day. Maybe I'll write an e-book and suck you into a link farming affiliate marketing program pyramid scheme.

I'm not trying to corner the market on Bikram Yoga blogging, I'm just having fun. I have amassed an interesting mix of search terms. If you're a blogger, I'd love to hear interesting keywords and phrases.

Thursday, May 2, 2013

MOMent in Half-Tortoise Pose

My MOMent in life affirming and invigorating Half-Tortoise pose
I'm really not sure what a MOMent is, but my favorite tea purveyors are running a social media campaign asking you to share a picture of yours. In exchange you can win fabulous prizes including free tea! I hope I win, I hope I win...

Back to the MOMent. I'm a mom. I have my moments.

Like today... I was walking across the street when I was almost struck by an elderly driver. She was so close to hitting me that I touched her car with my hand. Afterwards, and completely unrelated, a man barked at me. He didn't shout at me. He actually barked. Like a dog (I can't make this up. I just wish I had Google Glasses with Blinkety Blink photo app to capture this moment).

If you're still reading this, Teavana friends, here is my MOMent.

Half tortoise pose. The Bikram Yoga Web site insists that this posture will help you live longer. My MOMent in this posture leads me to forget about barking men, children who are home sick with the flu, and brushes with death.

Won't you send me some Monkey Picked Oolong today? It's my fave. I couldn't take a photo of myself in the half tortoise pose, but I can draw a mean purple caricature of it.

If you want to share your MOMent with Teavana in hopes of some freebie tea, check out this mommy blog. Or Tea Twitter. Namaste.